A Satire
by OverlyDramatic
Summary: A humorous look at Dasey stories, which in no way bashes the actual pairing.


I came up with this idea after reading the fourth story in a row that followed these lines. Some of these plot points are okay, but too much is too much. Plus, you can't have a whole saga in one chapter. This is a satire, just for those who couldn't figure it out. Sorry if I offend you, this isn't directed at anyone specific.But some people don't understand my sense of humor. So, without further ado, the fruits of being unable to ignore my sarcastic nature.

**Disclaimer: I highly doubt anything like this would ever make it onto Life With Derek. And its owners wouldn't want the bad publicity it would cause.**

Casey was walking up the stairs to her room when she saw Derek. They immediately started yelling at each other. This was not because they disagreed on anything, they just hated each other. I tell you this because it is important to the love/hate plot. Casey's cheeks got really red from yelling so much, and Derek's hair was wild and untamed. The author said both wild and untamed because she has no idea what synonyms are. But anyway, they were both secretly staring at each other. That may seem like an oxymoron, since staring is usually obvious, but it isn't. You see, both Derek and Casey were so lost in their own thoughts they didn't notice the blatant gazes directed at them. _Derek/Casey is really hot_, they thought at the exact same moment, which is a totally original and unlikely coincidence. That's why it's so cool.

For no apparent reason, they started making out. Derek's tongue begged entrance to Casey's mouth, which he received when she moaned. Because there has to be erotic moaning whenever there's a kissing scene; otherwise it wouldn't be good literature. Suddenly, Casey realized she loved Derek. The thought had no real merit or cause, she just knew the second their tongues tangled that it was true love. Even though neither knew the other liked them, they were really happy. Derek managed to pick her up bridal style, somehow keeping their mouths together as though they were glued. He almost dropped her a few times, and knocked her head against the wall once, but that isn't romantic so the author is going to glaze that over. They moved to the bedroom where they had wild crazy sex that happened to be really romantic. There's nothing sweeter than yanking hair and leaving scratch marks, after all. In that perfect moment, they each knew instinctively that the other person loved them. They cuddled in bed, even though it is completely out of character for both. Who really cares when you've just had a slutty romance novel moment? There has to be something to add credibility to them actually having feelings for one another.

With sudden declarations of love, they fell asleep. For some reason, their parents didn't notice them missing. Or, more likely, their whole family had spontaneously combusted to allow the plot to flow better. Derek knew that he would never be a player again. Casey knew she wouldn't be an uptight bitch anymore. Their love had set them free; and apparently replaced them with clones. Or aliens. Or maybe they just loved each other that much. Even though they had just fallen asleep, they had a deep, heartfelt conversation. Apparently they were proficient at sleep-talking. And sleep-listening. And sleep-functioning-like-a-normal-conscious-human-being.

"I love you," Derek said tenderly. She saw he was really sweet and not a jerk like she always thought.

"But wait!" Casey said, looking really worried. "This is wrong! It's incest!" She pulled out of his arms, starting to climb out of the bed.

Derek pulled her back lovingly into his arms. "No it's not. We're not related by blood; we're just step-siblings."

"Okay," Casey said happily, laying against his chest. His logical assurances and tender touch erased all arguments from her mind. It's like her brain was a swirling rainbow of Derek. After cuddling and whispering for hours, she went back to her room. But she forgot her bra on the floor. Apparently, she was used to going commando, cause she didn't feel it missing. Or maybe she just walked through the halls completely naked, but carrying her clothes. That would make sense; after all, no one was around to see.

That night, their parents mysteriously reappeared, just as Derek suddenly disappeared. In an uncharacteristic and illogical display, Nora decided to clean Derek's room. She gasped in horror when she found Casey's bra, immediately guessing they had sex. Because the first thought that pops into any mom's head when she finds her daughters bra in her stepson's room is, "GASP! She slept with him!" Especially if said boy was known for using her own bras as slingshots. Even though a more logical explanation would be a case of mixed up laundry. Suddenly, Derek reappeared in the doorway. Instead of yelling at Nora for going in his room, he instinctively realized that the secret was out. He started freaking out, apologizing and blubbering, but somehow managing to sound manly enough to take the blame and give Nora a heartfelt defense of his love. She was moved to tears by his speech and gave her kids permission to date each other. Of course, it sounded much more heroic the way she said it, and not at all like child services should haul her away. Derek couldn't wait to tell Casey the good news, but his speech had left him too exhausted to walk across the hall to her room. He decided to tell her in the morning.

The next day, Casey threw up all morning. She knew instinctively that she was experiencing the quickest form of morning sickness ever recorded in medical history. She would have felt special for defying the laws of science if she wasn't busy puking. Despite being a perfect goody goody, Casey happened to have a pregnancy test in her underwear drawer, right next to the lacy black thongs. As soon as she picked it up, it magically recorded _PREGNANT_. At that exact moment, Derek walked into the room. This was obviously likely to happen in real life, and not a contrived meeting to further a plot point.

"I'm pregnant," she announced tearfully. He hugged her as if they were lovers reuniting after a single night's absence. Which is to say, gently but tenderly, as is everything Derek does; no matter what canon says. Because Michael Seater is hot and he can do no wrong. But anyway, back to the story. Casey was confused.

"Dad and Nora approve! We can get married, even though we're only fifteen--sixteen at best--and have our own happy little family!"

The next few months changed them more than even their sudden romance. They both became completely responsible adults. Either school had disappeared or no one noticed Casey's growing belly, because no one said anything. Except for Emily, who stopped by to say she was totally happy that her best friend and her biggest crush were having a baby, and to plan them a baby shower before conveniently dropping off the face of the planet. Six months later, because the author has no basic knowledge of the universally known but complex medical concept of a nine month pregnancy. The whole family, even the yet unseen siblings, showed up in the delivery room. They were all happy and didn't find it the least bit odd that their siblings had sex. Derek got a job and Casey became the perfect little housewife, running their newly bought home. Derek and Casey somehow managed to not only survive, but to live comfortably as teenagers with an infant and only one income that was likely minimum wage. They got married, but the author couldn't be bothered to figure out where that fact fit in with the plot. They lived happily ever after, except for a few arguments and some quickly solved dramatic problems.

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So there's my first attempt at humor. Hope you enjoyed it, because I enjoyed writing it. Even if my friends were reading over my shoulder and looking at me funnily.


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